Top 5 Professional Athletes – MORONS of 2009

5. Javaras Crittenton, Washington Wizards

Incident: Monday, December 21, 2009

Javaras is now serving one year probation for pleading guilty to possessing a firearm in the Wizard’s locker room. The gun was not loaded. Where were the Bullets? Why they have been missing in Washington since 1996! Javaras is MORON #5!

4. Gilbert Arenas, Washington Wizards

Incident: Monday December 21, 2009

Suspended indefinitely and staring down the barrel of NBA Commissioner David Stern’s gun for keeping firearms in his locker. And I quote, “It happened like Dec. 10. Right after my daughter was born,” Arenas said. “I decided I didn’t want the guns in my house and around the kids anymore, so I took them to my lockbox at Verizon Center…I wouldn’t have brought them(the guns) to D.C. had I known the rules. After my daughter was born, I was just like, I don’t need these anymore.”

Alright Gilbert, don’t lock them up at home, we know you cannot afford a gun cabinet. Take them to work with you so you can lose your job. Hello MORON #4!

3. Delonte West, Cleveland Cavaliers

Incident: Friday, September 17, 2009

Delonte was pulled over for speeding on his motorcycle and had two loaded handguns and a loaded shotgun in a guitar case. He has yet to be sentenced.

Yo, Delonte were you headed over with a little Heavy Metal to play Guitar Hero with your high school buds? Did I just say bud? No, he didn’t have any on him. Can you say MORON #3?

Tie 2. Plaxico Burress, New York Giants

Sentenced: Tuesday, September 22, 2009

In 2008, Plaxico Burress was the hero catching the game winning touchdown from Eli Manning in the Super Bowl to beat the New England Patriots. In 2009, he received a sentence of 2 years in prison for shooting himself in the leg in a New York City Night Club. The gun was not in a holster and slipped down his pants.

Better keep that gun in your holster Plex-i-glass or you know what happens you bad boy!

Bullet in your leg

Bullet in your leg

Lookin’ Like a Fool

With a bullet in your leg

With the gold in your mouth

Hat turned sideways

Bullet in your leg

Lookin’ like a tie for MORON #2!

Tie 2. Dante Stallworth, Cleveland Browns

Incident: Saturday, March 14, 2009

Dante hit and killed a man crossing the street in Downtown Miami, Florida in his Bentley. Stallworth got 30 days in the slammer and paid the family an undisclosed amount of money for their loss. He was driving under the influence of alcohol with a blood alcohol level of .126.

He did get two years of house arrest and should be inviting Delonte West over for a game of “Guitar Zero” on the Wii soon! Hit and tie for MORON #2!

1. Tiger Woods, PGA Tour UnProfessional

Incidents: Too many dates to name

Tiger slept with everyone from who knows when to 2009. He even bagged a Porn star at his bachelor party. At last note, he was being treated for sex addiction at a posh clinic somewhere in the South. The scandal came out after he wrecked his SUV while backing out of his driveway and ended up in the middle of the road while the neighbors called 911. The National Inquirer claims his hired help offered $200K to an affair witness to keep that person hush hush. He also asked one of his special friends to change the message on her voicemail because his wife might call her.

Someone please tell me how the most admired man in all of sports can carry on years of cheating on his wife Elin and nobody says a word to get him busted? Talk about walking on water. I don’t think a joke is even necessary at this point. Maybe all men should bow to the real King of Sports! Hey LeBron you’ve just been dethroned by a golfer! Tiger Woods..King of all MORONS!

Sources: www.huffingtonpost.com, www.cleveland.com, www.nytimes.com, www.nypost.com, www.washingtonpost.com

Top 5 Reasons the Cavs Will Win Against Orlando

5. Stan Van Gundy is a moron.

4. Dwight Howard will get suspended for the game in Orlando by committing another technical foul.

3. Mo Williams will realize the basket is the thing with the orange rim and the net.

2. David Stern wants them to.

1. LeBron James

photo: Tim Black, BlackandWhiteServices.org

Texas Hold’em, Annoying Friends and a Side Bet on LeBron

So, last night was poker night and in the spirit of gambling, we take numerous opportunities to side bet anything and everything.

A pocket full of 20’s is a requirement to get into the action. No one makes change and the bets are always in multiples of 20, like the buy-in at the table. If there wasn’t anything to bet on, we would just play the serial numbers on the front of Andrew Jackson.

The barn on my buddy John’s property we play in looks more like a ski lodge than a poker room; fireplace, leather couches and all the trimmings. Every time I play cards with these guys, we have the 100 inch plus screen rolled down with some sort of game on.

Noticing out of the corner of my left eye that Orlando and Boston had less than 2 minutes to play, I looked to my left and said, “You wanna bet on the finish of this game?”

Now, you have to know the guy to my left I was asking.

Let me describe him briefly. He is a physician by trade and in the latter part of his career. He loves to argue over just about anything that exists. His famous line of “that’s not the point” annoys everyone listening, but we all still like him. Let’s call him Jack for all intensive purposes. That’s short for Jack (fill in the blank)!

Always the loudest guy at the table, you never lose track of where the blinds are when Jack is playing. No buttons necessary, just forget to blind up and you will hear it as soon as the first card drops out of the dealer’s hand.

I have known Jack for several years, but in the last two years have seen him on a regular basis because he is good friends with John.

If a card drops on the floor and the players at the table can’t see it, Jack would want to throw down a 20 and ask, “Who wants to bet that card landed right side up?”

So, my asking for a bet on the end of the Orlando Magic versus Boston Celtics game was accepted before I could hardly utter the word “bet”. Knowing that he loathes Stan Van Gundy made my selection of the Magic even easier.

Orlando was up by 3 points and since time was a factor, Jack said, “I’ll take Boston, but you gotta give me at least a point.” I didn’t hesitate knowing the Magic had the lead.

With 15 seconds left to go, I lifted the cash off the table and heard him groan, “It figures I hexed them.” Final score a 7 point victory for me(remember I gave him 1 point), 83-75. Beautiful!

This eased the fact I had already been knocked out of the first game of poker without re-buying and had lost a 20 spot about 5 minutes earlier on a side bet of whose hand would win in a four way heads-up showdown. No surprise, Jack was in on this one and bet on two of the hands. He lost that bet too! Last night just didn’t seem like Jack’s night.

With the Celtics tied in the series, Jack is getting a little upset. Mad, partly because of “the moron” Van Gundy, as he sees it and also because of a bet he made with me at the beginning of the season. The wager was made at poker when the Cleveland Cavaliers acquired Mo Williams.

I asked the 12 guys sitting at the table that night, what they thought of the acquisition? He immediately fired up with one of his Jackisms, “It isn’t gonna matter who they pick up, they suck anyways.” I took offense to this being a huge Cavs fan.

The old saying is “put your money where your mouth is.” So I asked, “You want to put $500 on that ridiculous statement?”

Jack rarely turns down the opportunity to show you “what the point is.”

He yells out, “I’ll bet you $5000 to your $500 that the Cavaliers won’t win the title this year.” He then starts laughing like he is the all knowing Jack someone tells to pipe down at least two times a night when we play.

LeBron James plays for the Cavs and I felt then the same way I do now, no championship this year and LeBron will bail when his contract ends. This will be the death of the Cavaliers franchise. They have to win.

I was going to take the bet $500 straight up, but now I am getting 10-1 odds. Not bad.

Poker night ended well for me and okay for Jack as I won the second game after 2 re-buys and he finished second. He re-bought twice near the end of the game when he busted out, after the table was down from the original 9 players to 4. He and I took more chances than the rest of the table, but it ended up working out for both of us. Jack left the barn losing less money than he would have, complaining that he would be awake another two hours watching the Los Angeles Lakers and Houston Rockets.

Jack also has a bet that the Denver Nuggets will be playing Cleveland in the NBA Finals.

Winning that bet or the bet against me is “not the point.”

The point, according to Jack, “has nothing to do with money and everything to do with pride.”

I was proud of both of my victories over Jack and winning the majority of the $20 bills that left the poker table last night.

Here’s hoping the Cavaliers win the NBA title and I get $5000 worth of pride!

photo: AP

LeBron vs. Kobe; An Apples to Apples Statistical Look at Their First Six Years

LeBron James just secured his first MVP trophy in his 6th season as a player in the NBA. LeBron is hoping to lead the Cleveland Cavaliers to their  first NBA title in 2008-09. He may have to go through Kobe Bryant’s Los Angeles Lakers to win the championship.

How long did it take Kobe to win the MVP?

Kobe in fact had no MVP trophys on his mantle in his first 6 seasons. He received the honor for the first time 12 years into his NBA career in 2007-08.

How many titles did he have his first 6 years?

Kobe had 3 rings by the end of his 6th season, but he had a little more help in teammate Shaquille O’Neal.

Shaq took home MVP honors in 1999-2000, the first year he and Kobe led the team to an NBA Championship. In fact, many would argue the team had more weapons than just Shaq and Kobe.

Both LeBron and Kobe came straight from high school to the NBA, so this is truly an apples to apples look at the numbers!

Here is a statistical comparison of LeBron vs. Kobe in their first 6 years in the NBA.

LeBron James 6-8, 250 lbs

GAMES    STARTED    FG%    FT%    REBS    ASST    TO    ST    BK    PPG

472              471             47.1    73.8      7.0        6.7        3.2   1.8    .80    27.5

Kobe Bryant 6-6, 205 lbs

GAMES    STARTED    FG%    FT%    REBS    ASST    TO    ST    BK    PPG

414              267             45.8    82.5      4.6        3.8        2.5   1.3    .61    19.8

Source of Statistics: www.NBA.com

photo: AP

Atlanta; No Chance Against LeBron

Can the Atlanta Hawks win the series against league MVP LeBron James and his Cleveland Cavaliers?

A better question might be, can the Hawks win a single game in the series?

The Cavs disposed of the Detroit Pistons in a four game sweep by almost 16 points per contest. The final blowout at the Palace was a lopsided 99-78 win for the Cavs. The Pistons put up little resistance against LeBron and company as the 24 year old superstar finished the game with 36 points, 13 rebounds and 8 assists.

“We responded very well coming into a hostile building,” said LeBron in the post game interview, ” we got better every single quarter.”

So, why would the Hawks pose any threat at all in round 2? Atlanta is very athletic, shoots well from the perimeter and crashes the offensive glass. The Hawks grabbed 11 boards at the offensive end in game 7 against Miami leading to 16 second chance points. Cleveland should be concerned.

Or should they?

The Cavaliers won the season series over the Hawks, 3-1. The team with the best home record in the NBA, 39-2, is rested and ready for Joe Johnson and Atlanta. Marvin Williams had 19 points for the Hawks, against the Cavs, in their lone win in Atlanta. Williams, who did not play in the last meeting between the two teams due to a back injury, missed games 3, 4 and 5 of the Heat series with a wrist injury. He figures not to be a factor.

The Cavaliers are rested and according to LeBron, they needed to heal.

It is cliche, but the Cavaliers are on a mission. It has been 45 years since Frank Ryan led the Cleveland Browns to an NFL title in 1964. The town is starving for a winner. The Cavaliers have never won a championship.

LeBron is familiar with his seat at this years playoff table, “It reminds me of the days when I was back in high school. Every time we went out on the court we knew we were going to win. So yeah, this is the hungriest I have been. I see the potential in our team.” -ESPN The Magazine

So, is the King of Cleveland going to let the Atlanta Hawks stand in the way of completing his first real legitimate shot at an NBA crown?

Two words; no chance.